“But for now just let me lie. Bind up these broken bones. Mercy bend and breathe me back to life. But not before You show me how to die.” Audrey Assad – Show Me.
This blog is about release … the letting go of the ego, which can be considered a death in itself in as far as individuals are usually fully identified with a conditioned, limited version of themselves, their ego.
My ego is drawn towards pain. Pain defined my life for so long that it became the place where I feel home, where I feel comfortable and safe. I defined myself and judged others by how much I/they could endure.
Healing from eating disorders finds its source in true love. Unconditional love. This love can be either received from someone else, or realised as life itself. Either way, the attachment to pain needs to be overcome to let love in. Letting go of what Eckhart Tolle defines as the pain-body was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still feel so much comfort and satisfaction from losing myself in suffering and pain, even if only as a thought form. My ego longs for the outside recognition of the pain I endured, longs for sympathy, respect and recognition, and for someone to confirm my regard of pain as something beautiful.
“Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again”
Flyleaf – Again
My struggle and challenges showed me how to die, how to distance myself from what I thought I am and realise what I truly am. A nightmare is and remains the fastest way to waking up, to realisation, and nothing predisposes more to having nightmares than lacking the ability to desensitise oneself to this utterly twisted dream we live.
“A song for a heart so big. God couldn’t let it live.” Jimmy Eat World – Hear you me.